Walmart Lurking, Wee-Wee & The Infertility Olympics: In Which Our Heroine Refrains from Going Batshit.

Well folks, there’s good news and there’s bad news.

The bad news is that the stork gave us the finger again this month. Back to the old drawing board. Which has sex on it. Good thing it’s a favorite hobby.

The good news is actually better than the bad news is bad, in my opinion. The good news is that I managed to refrain from going completely fucking batshit whackadoo insane this month while I waited to test. I mean, I felt like crap. I felt anxious and angry and hopeful and hopeless and then sad when the blood came, and my best friend had to come over and watch truly heroic quantities of Battlestar Galactica and eat Thai food with me, cause he’s good like that. But it felt like the worst of the worst of it was kept at bay this month.

I did not, for instance, go to Walmart and in a creepy, lurky, trying-to-be-stealthy-but-failing-epically kind of way buy several boxes of pregnancy tests, timing my contemplation of the selections for a moment when the aisle was otherwise empty (which is difficult to do because the pg tests are in the same aisle as the athlete’s foot meds) and holding the boxes so that the labels faced inward until I got them to the register. I would like to take some time to apply a little good-old-fashioned feminist deconstruction to the fact that at 37 grown-ass-woman years old I continue to feel like a busted teenager whenever I buy pregnancy tests, but that will have to be another post.

Suffice it to say that not only did I not go out and buy tests, I even refrained from obsessively taking the ones I have left over from last month’s shameful spree. Do you hear that, world??? I DID NOT TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST THIS MONTH!!!! Does anyone out there have any idea what a phenomenally HUGE fucking step that is? Yes, I’m sure you do. Based on the comments I’m getting on this blog you ALL know about the Catbox and the crazy, crazy, crazy that comes with it. Preach, sisters.

So, yeah. I didn’t test. I refrained at 10 days, when you know damn well you’re going to get a negative but you trawl the Fertility Friend charts and decide that there’s just the slimmest possible chance, and you’re planning on going out for drinks with a friend tonight and you just want to be sure.

I refrained at 11 days, when the CountDownToPregnancy stats begin suggesting that you’re more likely to get a faint positive than a false negative, so you don’t drink any water after 8pm and tenaciously hold it when you wake up at 3am having to piss, because you want the absolute most potent wee-wee you can possibly excrete so that those coy little hormones you just KNOW are floating around in there will show up on the test.

Which you’re running out of by the way, so you’d better lurk on over to the Walmart after work tomorrow.

I refrained at 12 days, which is when you tested positive the last time but not the two times before that, and now both Fertility Friend and CountDown are assuring you that only gross statistically anomalous freaks would get a false negative at this late date, but even when you see the negative you still tell yourself that those statistics don’t mean anything, even though you’ve basically been living by them like the bloody Bible for the last week and a half. So you squint at it until you actually begin to see a little pink or blue line that moves around depending on where on the strip you’re looking and actually shows up when you look at other blank surfaces, an honest-to-god hallucination bred of deranged hope and pure bloody-mindedness.

I EVEN refrained at 13 days, when the real crazy happens and the Catbox is up over your head so you can’t breathe and you can’t think and you stop being able to hear people outside of your head and your temperature has dropped but only a little and it dropped the time you were pregnant for 11 weeks so you never know and maybe it’ll be this time but probably not but maybe, just maybe, it may just be that you can see a glimmer of something that if you look at it from the side with your eyes kind of scrunched up with tears in them might look a little like hope, please maybe, please maybe, please maybe…

And then the blood came, and my husband and my BFF circled the wagons cause we’ve been through this before and they’re good men who know what to do.

But I made it through all the crazy hurdles. The psychotic, hormone-crazed, PTSD-riddled, nipple-obsessed Infertility Olympics. I’m sad, but I’m not all twisted up like some weepy lunatic pretzel made of progesterone and despair. Gold fucking medal, me.

I really think it’s this blog. I think it’s giving up on striving toward fertility and just dealing with infertility, and the fact that women out there are hearing me and are going through the same thing. That does something to the spirit, somehow. It gives it a reason not to tear itself to pieces. It gives me a reason to stay sane.

Thanks, y’all. Keep on keeping on.

8 thoughts on “Walmart Lurking, Wee-Wee & The Infertility Olympics: In Which Our Heroine Refrains from Going Batshit.

  1. Kitten says:

    Oh, my god, I hate it when FF mocks me with its stupid statistics, like “74% of pregnancy charts show a positive test by now.” STFU, robot! You, my friend, are my hero. You make me laugh every time. Plus, Battlestar Galactica and Thai food? I’m crushing on you, too.

  2. Thumbalina says:

    I really thought about buying stock in Pregnancy Tests! Good for you! I can’t refrain…. maybe I will try this month! I am 7 dpo today, and doing SO well with ignoring my body! It’s the little things right? ….but the tests are only 88 cents at Walmart, and I’m like “88cents…. I buy four, what can it hurt to start taking them from dpo 10″…. and dpo 11, and 12 and 13, which all come up negative and I’m having an out-of-body experience at 6 am because I can’t understand WHY its only one line and not two…. I slept with my husband at the right time, the right way, the right conditions, so WHY?!…..and then….something comes over you and says “maybe the test was built wrong, and the line is on the OTHER SIDE!” (because how often does that happen, lol) and you sit there in the bathroom disassembling an 88 cent test. *sigh* …I know you are a therapist, so please don’t judge. lol. Maybe this month I will strive to not take one.
    Writing really does help doesn’t it!
    Good luck this round!

    • Girl, with all the crazy shit I’ve thought and felt and done over the last 2 years behind this, I’d be a damn idiot to judge ANYBODY. Also, here’s a secret – therapists are just as crazy as everybody else, and our job is pretty much not judging. 🙂

  3. gradualchanges says:

    Good for you. Way to hold on to a sliver of sanity while in the cat box.

  4. sarah says:

    Blinded by your self-control. I’m ready to test at moments when it’s not even mathematically possible I could get a positive. When there’s a pregnancy test in the house – like, anywhere in the house – I just can’t help myself. I take them surreptitiously, under cover of night, etc. Anyway, love the blog, keep writing!

    • Ha, I know all about it! In my house we call it “peeing on everything but the remote”. The surreptitiousness part is a bitch, though, isn’t it? Like you’re having an affair with the tinkle stick. I’ve found that the shame and the lurkiness kind of makes me feel crazier, and therefore more isolated, and therefore more shamefully lurky – you get the picture. What would happen if you just shouted out and let your pee flag fly? Let a little sunshine into the creepers?

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